I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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