I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
