I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
