remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
