She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
