your room smells of hookers.
And success
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
