i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
