you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
