so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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