remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
only if we run a train.
done.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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