Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
