I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Less talking, more tequila
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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