u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
