Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
