Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
