Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Houston, we have a squirter
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
