And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
