he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
