Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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