He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
