They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
