he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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