I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member