I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
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I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
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The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.