she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.