i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
