Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
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I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
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I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
God, I missed his penis.
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