my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
