I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dude i'm inner monologue high
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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