just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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