I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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