I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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