The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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