you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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