Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
