that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
