I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
