dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
