Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
