my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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