i wish there were pregnant emoticons
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
