i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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