I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
