If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
did you just send me my own nude
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
