They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
