I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
