I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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