Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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