Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
