I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
