Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
