EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Alive.
So much puke
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
