i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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