Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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