My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
