Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
