Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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