Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
