That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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