Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
