I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
