I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I don't think brook has ever known best
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i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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