remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
