This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
