my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
