I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
