I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
